It Was Good While It Lasted

I don't like to be yelled at. Especially for no obvious reason.

When we first meet someone who immigrated as an adult the differences really aren't obvious to the eye, especially when that person looks exactly like us (as in being a white Caucasian as opposed to looking Asian or black) and speaks our language quite well. I remember when I was first in a similar situation in Ukraine being around someone who looked like me and was learning the language (and doing very well) and how difficult it was to remember that though that person looks like me, the culture he grew up in made him very different. Now, that difference would have been easier to keep in mind if he was a green person with three hands and tentacles for hair. I would not have viewed some things as offensive if he LOOKED different because that difference in looks would have been an ever present reminder of the cultural differences that were not visible to the eye.
Having moved here from a culture that is much more direct and much less sensitive, I have to always keep in mind these little things that can offend people, like standing too close to people when I talk to them, or trying not to be too direct when expressing my views and ideas as I would have otherwise been. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail but I would say it's getting easier with each year. It's a learning experience.
What happened recently however is probably the first HUGE fail in that department. It resulted in me making a decision of not being a part of the trio any more.
Let me explain.
One of the ladies I played with have been doing it all her life. The other have been taking lessons for about three and a half years. When I joined I was taking lessons for less then five months, though I do have non flute related background in music. So, when we were getting ready for a recital, I did not think twice about asking what we were doing about dynamics. After all, everyone in the group is an experienced player and a question like that shouldn't cause confusuion or touble. Were we paying attention to them? Were we ignoring them? What did everybody think? (and this IS exactly how I worded it - remember, I know not to be too direct to avoid being perceived as critical) So, imagine my surprise when the lady who has been playing all her life (let's call her Amber, I do not want to use her real name) looses her temper and throws the worst screaming temper tantrum I have ever seen an adult throw! She yells at the top of her lungs that I am new to the group and have no reason to call her a bad flutist.
After picking up my jaw from the floor where it had landed when this whole thing started, my brain was frantically going through the evening trying to find the point in time when I said or implied she was a bad player. Yes, she was having a hard time getting lost all evening and when I noticed that she didn't have the full score and was playing from a sheet that only had her part, I said 'Oh, poor Amber! No wonder you are having a hard time! You can't see where we all are. Let me run and make you a copy of my full score, it will make it so much easier!' To which she replied that she couldn't follow the score without getting lost. Huh? Remember, she's been playing for 30 years and this was not new music to her, she had already performed this.
Ok, she doesn't want the score, that's fine. But how is offering to make her a copy of full score in any way offensive? Or, why is asking what we were doing about dynamics calling ANYONE a bad flutist??? I guess, I am really so insensitive it doesn't even register, because I STILL DON"T UNDERSTAND!
I went and cried in the bathroom (mostly out of shock and desperation) and she apologized. After we left, the other flutist (I'll call her Katie) called me and said she was totally shocked and though it did happen to her as well, it was not nearly as bad. It must be the stress. Amber must be feeling a little threatened by my abilities (what abilities???? I have been playing for 4.5 months!) Let's hope it will not happen again.
Ok, I am not resentful, we all have our moments, let's forget this whole thing. Well, last Thursday about an hour after we were done practicing, I had a brilliant (or so I thought) idea. Why don't we ask our flute teacher to come in and give us a few lessons on how to play together as a group. How do we balance the sound? Who is supposed to do what to make three different parts sound like one piece of music instead of playing three solos. So I call both Katie and Amber and leave an identical messages on their machine saying 'Hey, what do you guys think about paying our teacher to come and work with us for the month of July to help as learn to play as a group?' Katie called me back and left a message on my machine telling me how absolutely awesome an idea it is and how she wished she had thought of it before. YAY! Amber never calls me back, so I call her the next day to see if it's a 'yes' or a 'no'. She picks up the phone and begins with 'How can you insult me like that' followed by another 30 min long screaming fit.
Needless to say, it's over for me. Yes, she called and apologized and asked me to please not leave the group. I feel really bad about leaving, but I can not stay. I do not like to be yelled at for what seems like no reason. Amber told me she tried very hard to please me by making copies of the full scores of the new music (which does not make any sense to me, why would I care what SHE is playing from?) She said she didn't like that I came and started changing the way they did things (she was talking about me pointing out the the publisher missed the last note of the previous measure being the pickup note when marking the intros on a few songs to which everyone agreed, it was really really obvious).
We are just really different and should not play together. Katie and I (and our church pianist, she played with the two of us once and really wanted to keep doing it) will continue playing together. Amber told me that she and Katie will keep playing together as well (sounds great! I also told her I will ask my teacher if she can find someone else for them)
Too bad it didn't work out.